Warning: this article contains explicit language both in Romanian and English; only 18+ year olds should proceed reading.

Shocked at the title? Don’t be, this is casual talk in Bucharest and generally in Romania.

Ro. “Să moară familia mea” = En. “May my beloved ones die” stands for a proof that what follows is nothing but the truth. For instance, if I want to tell you that the fuel price increased with 10%, I shall put it ‘Man, fuel is 10% more expensive than yesterday, may my beloved die (if I tell you anything but the truth).’ Do Romanians actually mean their family to die if (or rather when) they lie, be it as part of a (very frequent) joke or not? No, they do not. But they love cursing everything and at any time: their neighbours (for owning what they do not), politicians (for being  what they dare or cannot be, as otherwise they would act exactly like the politicians they blame, provided they had the chance), football players (for being bolder than other players), dogs and cats (for having more freedom than them), foreigners (for being supposedly richer and obeying to rules for a change), and, yes, themselves (for being just that: Romanians).

But let me briefly introduce a short Romanian - English routine slang dictionary, some hardcore first:

Ro. “Băga-mi-aș (pula)...” = En. “May I shove (my dick)...”; most times the phrase remains unfinished, as everyone knows what (and also where) one needs / wants to shove his or her dick. No joking here, this phrase is used by both men and women, disregarding of whether they are actually endowed with something to shove or not. The phrase may be completed “băga-mi-aș pula-n gura ta”, i.e. “may I shove my dick in your mouth”. Whipped cream and strawberry topping, anyone?

Ro. “Să te fut” / “să ți-o trag” = En. “Fuck you”; this does not automatically mean one actually wants to have sex with you, but rather that he or she does not agree to your opinion. Whether that is about your music preference or looks, that is a different problem and it does not matter.

Ro “Sugi pula / sugea-mi-ai pula” = En. “You suck / may you suck my dick”. (Usually) a serious disagreement, but not always, it can also imply a joke or casual friends’ chat. No reason to get head over heels unless sure what it is all about.

And now, some samples of the (extensive) range of curses referring to one’s mother:

Ro. “(Du-te-n) pizda mă-tii!” = En. “(Get back to) your mother’s uterus!” is one of the most frequently used and nevertheless of the most straight, clear and concise. It can be used in any situation where one does not agree with someone / something. And it does not necessarily refer only to persons, as objects, mountains, situations, the weather can also be cursed with this one. A very Romanian curse is “dacă nu-ți convine, du-te-n pizda mă-tii!” (En. “if you don’t like it, get back to your mother’s vagina!”), which actually stands for “take it or leave it” put the local way, rudeness, carelessness and local flavour included.

Ro. “Să-mi bag pula-n mă-ta” = En. “Fuck your mother”; again, this does not mean one wants to have sex with your mother, but rather that, hell, he / she does not agree with you, even if the disagreement refers to a minor, not so important matter.

Ro. “(Futu-ți) morții (și răniții) mă-tii” = En. “(Fuck) Your mother’s deceased (and wounded)”; this is a local favourite. You may fuck one, one’s mother or one’s sister, but what about his / her mother’s deceased (and sometimes also his / her mother’s wounded as well)? This is taken for either a major insult or... a major joke. Yes, Romanians may laugh or start fighting to this, depending solely of their mood and of the way it is told. But, keep your ears open, this is a top Romanian curse. And it is sometimes referred to by solely “țțțiii” (pronounced “tssseee” with a strong emphasis on the ‘s’) which means exactly the same thing with much less of an effort. For, this is one of the first things that hit a stranger when stepping on Romanian soil, Romanians are some of the laziest people around.

Ro. “(Futu-ți) Cristoșii mă-tii” = En. “(Fuck) Your mother’s Christs”. No, this is no typo, Romanians like to damage as much as possible when they can. So why fuck only Jesus Christ when one can fuck several of them, and at the same time all belonging to the enemy’s mother (or to her deceased relatives, see above)?! You may think this is a rare form of curse. Nay, it is preferred by drivers when in traffic. It also works with God instead of Christ, quite a frequent curse as well: “Futu-ți dumnezeii mă-tii”, i.e. “Fuck your mother’s gods”. Well, it actually sounds more universal in English than it is in Romanian, but that is it. Don’t be amazed if, right after employing one of these curses, a Romanian makes three crosses when passing by a church. Cursing has nothing to do with customs, comme il fauts or religion. And your gods can be fucked, while mine can be worshipped. It’s getting pretty global, ay?

Ro. “(Futu-ți) coliva mă-tii” = En. “(Fuck) your mother’s colivă”. The colivă stands for the wheat cake prepared and meant for funeral ceremonies alone. So, imagine someone shoving his penis in a deceased person’s funeral ceremony cake, with everyone present. Then go one step further and imagine it is your mother’s. Disgusting and sick? Yes, welcome to Romania and, as the locals say, there is worse in nearby Serbia, where they fuck every and anything. Some reason...

As we are at the funeral and deceased relative chapter, “(futu-ți) mormântu’ mă-tii”, you may have already guessed, stands for “fuck your mother’s grave”. It does not matter whether one’s mother is still alive or whether she has a grave one can fuck. Not really.

Ro. “(Futu-ți) Paștele mă-tii” / “Futu-ți grijania mă-tii” = En. “(Fuck) your mother’s Easter bread and wine”. What about that? Imagine someone slowly immersing his penis in the bowl with holy wine and bread on the Easter table in a church, while your mother wants to take a sip; Manet could have hardly pictured it more realistically. Anyway, I shall not go in any further details here.

Ro. “(Futu-ți) gâții mă-tii” = En. “(Fuck) your mother’s throats”; a former female colleague’s all time favourite. Again, no typo, your mother only has one throat. But that is a bore. So the cursing pal assumes she has more than one, so that he / she (again, it does not matter whether it is a he or she cursing) has more than one to shove a penis in. This is pretty serious a curse and is not used but seriously. Usually that is, for exceptions do happen.

As I started with the plethora of fuck curses, let me go further, as a Romanian can basically fuck everything he / she can think of. For instance, “futu-te-n gură / gât / cur / cap / nară / orbită / urechi. Yes, mouth, throat, ass, head, even nostrils, eyes and ears. All can be (joyfully) fucked. And most times this is a... hip, hip, joke.

Ro. “Da-ți-a-o-aș pe la dinți” = En. “May I pass it (i.e. my dick) through your teeth”. It’s getting anatomical, isn’t it? Don’t forget your camera, please.

Ro. “Mânca-ți-aș (pula / coaiele)” = En. “May I eat (your dick / balls)” could be better translated as “Holy crap!”, being used in situations where one is shocked by someone else’s behaviour or by a certain fact. The “polite”, old world version (usually met in the countryside) is “mânca-ți-aș ochii tăi / gura ta” (En. “may I eat your eyes / mouth”), but this may have two meanings, according to the situation: the one above or “you are / look lovely”. Isn’t Romanian a joy?

While, as you see, the local delicacies are plentiful, imports do exist (of course). You may hear one being called Ro. “ce luzăr” / “luzăre” / “sacăre” / “găozare” = En. “what a loser” / “you loser” / “you sucker” / “you asshole”. These imports can usually be met in schools and universities, where people want to show their high education. However the local options prevail everywhere.

OK, let us now get on the softcore side.  Yummy.

Somehow of the same league with the one in the title, there are many “may X die” curses. For some reason, Romanians make no difference between their enemies, their friends, relatives or themselves when cursing; all and everyone should die at a certain point. Why? Simply because John Doe is upset and wants them all to die, including himself. But let me proceed to facts:

Ro. “Să moară mama” = En. “May my mother die”, used as a statement meant to provide confidence in one’s words. Just imagine two lovers, the moon shining above, and he tells her in a low voice “I love you so much, oh so much... May my mother die if I lie!” Cute, isn’t it?

Ro. “(Hai) să moară mă-ta!” = “May your mother die!” is used when one does not believe what you say or when he / she faces a major, unexpected problem. An appropriate translation could be “Jesus Christ!”, but, as you have probably noticed, Romanians are more personal (and, hmm, err, tender).

But let us explore more areas here:

Ro. “[Whatever] mă-tii” = En. “Your mother’s [Whatever]!” stands for a general curse regarding to virtually whatever you want (or rather to whatever you happen to hate at a certain moment: a water pipe that leaks, a piece of cheese that slipped down, a colleague that is late. All and anything is worth a few drops of your cum and should include the de rigueur mother. Don’t you agree?

Ro. “Să ți-o trag!” = En. “Fuck you!” Simple, clear and supposedly easy. Actually no, this only means one disagrees with you on minor things.

Ro. “Muie” = En. “Cum”. Again, simple and supposedly easy. Actually it can mean anything from a small disagreement to major trouble. It all depends on the voice one uses when saying it. Beware.

Ro. “Ce puii mei (e asta)?” / “Du-te-n puii mei!” = En. “What my chicken (is this)?” / “Go meet my chicken”. It does not make any sense in English or Romanian. Actually it is a ‘polite’ replacement for Ro. “Ce pula mea e asta?” / “Du-te-n pula mea!” = En. “What the fuck is this?” / “Go fuck yourself!” (adapted translation). It is interesting that people using the ‘polite’ versions above see themselves as superior, high class compared to the crowd.

Ro. “Paștele și cristalu’” = En. “Easter bread and crystal”. Does it sound stupid? No, it is a ‘polite’ (see above) way of saying “futu-ți Paștele și Cristosu’ mă-tii”, which translates as “fuck your mother’s Easter bread and (Jesus) Christ.” See? Never assume a Romanian is polite until pretty sure about it (which may never happen).

Ro. “Du-te dracului” = En. “Go to hell”. In Romania, this is not considered offensive, it is child talk implying that one slightly disagrees with you on a minor issue.

Ro. “Căcat” = En. “Crap”. Again, this is just a way of saying “Nonsense”, nothing more. The same applies for Ro. “pula” = En. “Penis” or Ro. “Curu’” = En. “Ass”.

Ro. “Spanac” / “Varză” = En. “Spinach” / “Cabbage” (feels more like “bullocks”), meaning one does not believe what you are saying or that he / she does not care for what you say. This is 6 year olds’ chat in this country.

Ro. “Pula-n pizdă” = En. “Dick penetrating pussy”, actually meaning “Hell, I don’t know”. The same goes for Ro. “Să mă cac” = En. “I feel like shitting.”

Ro. “Muie la țărani” = En. “Cum to peasants”, meaning one does not give a damn about the others, disregarding of whether they come from the same environment with him / her or from afar. Peasants or not, they are all imbeciles. Simply because they dare exist.

Ro. “Să mă pupi” = En. “Kiss me” (it more precisely implies “kiss my ass / penis”). Minor disagreements, such as on what movie to watch tonight. No major problem here.

Ro. “Vedea-te-aș mort (moartă)” = En. “See you dead”. Need more than that? There isn’t much but rotten skin and flesh or smelly bones.

Ro. “Boule” = En. “You ox”, this is so softcore that it hurts. It’s one of the first words a child learns pronouncing around here. The girl talk version is Ro. “vaco” = En. “You cow”.

Now, Romanians are of a Romance origin. Or so they say. Therefore, even curses turn out to be poetic sometimes. Blessed be thy name, Apollo, protector of the poets. So, let me proceed, willya!?...

Ro. “Pula calului în vârfu’ dealului” = En. “Horse’s dick on the hilltop”. This means one does not agree with you or rather it is just a way of saying nothing. To be more precise, OK, so what?!

Ro. “Paștele și cristalu’, coliva și cașcavalu’” = En. “(your mother’s) Easter bread and crystal, colivă and yellow cheese”. Do not expect any sense out of it, because this is a 1. (supposedly) polite and 2. (you have to admit, greatly) poetic form of actually saying Ro. “(futu-ți) paștele, Cristosu’ și coliva mă-tii” = En. “(fuck) your mother’s Easter bread, (Jesus) Christ and her colivă”, with yellow cheese being just an addition to complete de rhyme. Mind that Swiss cheese, will you?

Ro. “Căcat la tavă” = En. “Crap roast”. Which means either “no way” or “I don’t care”. You choose, according to the voice one uses and your flair. Oh crap.

Ro. “Căcat cu ochi” = En. “(You) shit with eyes”; it could be translated as “you shithead”, but it is far more imaginative in Romanian, just imagine...

Ro. “Pula vacii!” = En. “Cow’s dick!” stands for “no fucking way!” put in a surreal, but, to hell, sublime (not to mention unexpectedly cute) way.

Ro. “Pula pe varză” = En. “Penis with a cabbage side dish”. Minor disagreement, casual chat, friendly introduction even. You don’t like it? Choose cabbage only, but you’ll be sure your acquaintance will avoid you for good.

Ro. “[Whatever] pulii-n mijlocu’ naturii” = En. “Dick’s [whatever] in nature’s heart”. Which stands for “what a bore”, as simple as that.

Ro. “Ce știe țăranu’ ce e șofranu’” = En. “What does a peasant know about saffron?”. This is a softcore insult which actually stands for “you know nothing on the matter, you retard”. But is can also be employed between friends, as casual chat. Cute, isn’t it?

Ro. “(Futu-ți) casa și nevasta” = En. “(Fuck) your house and wife”. Pretty silly compared to the others, this is minor argument, if ever. It can sometimes be used as a compliment, like in “casa și nevasta, că deștept ești”, i.e. “(fuck) your house and wife, you’re so smart”. Glorious.

Ro. “Futu-te-n aripă” = En. “Fuck you under your wing”. If this ain’t poetry, what the fuck is? And then, just imagine this act. Slowly. No, slower. Slower I say.

I shall not end without a friend’s favourite: Ro. “Târî-mi-aș pula pe coliva mă-tii pân-o face poc-poc din biluță-n biluță” = En. “May I drag my penis over your mother’s funeral cake until it clicks upon hitting every other candy on top of it”. Sick? Well, it all depends on your point of view, for Romanians may very well laugh out loud at all this. As they laugh generally at pretty much everything, with life turning in nothing but a big sick joke to them.

As for curses, it then all begins to turn harder to translate. Not necessarily because Romanian is hard to translate, but because Romanians can tend to literally fuck whatever they please, whenever they please, wherever they please and - more importantly - with as intense a thrill (or poetry) possible.

One may wonder what happens when (or if, to be politically correct) a Romanian’s family dies all of a sudden, of an unexpected cause. Let me assume he / she will say Ro. “mi-a murit familia, să-mi moara familia de te mint” = En. “My beloved ones have all died, may my beloved ones die if I lie to you”. Oh dear me, what a labyrinth. Crap, one’s mother’s deceased and funeral cakes included.